Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NIV
What an amazing Bible study this has been! It has far exceeded my expectations on many levels, and I pray that this has been an enormous blessing to you as well. We have learned how to establish, cultivate, restore, strengthen, and protect our relationships. While the focus has been on heart sisters, we have also learned precepts to build and deepen other relationships as well, such as marriages, children, family members, co-workers, and others.
What I would like to leave you with this week after we have summed up some excellent Heart Sister do’s and don’ts is what to do if you long to have a heart sister but are still feeling lonely. We will cover this at the end, and I pray it gives you hope and comfort.
Let’s begin with some “Don’ts” of Heart Sisters. I usually like to begin with the negative so we can end with the positive.
Remember, however, that we may see ourselves in several of these don’ts. If this is you, please give yourself some grace. We are all in a process of learning and growing.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 NIV
Heart Sister Don’ts
A Heart Sister does not gossip.
A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. Proverbs 16:28 NLT
“Gossip is a slippery slope, and it’s difficult to regain traction when you’ve started to slide.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
I have witnessed this, and I am sure you have too. What begins as concern for someone, or worse yet, a prayer request, often turns into a situation of sharing too much personal information about this person and betrayal, slander, or starting harmful rumors. We need to protect our heart sisters and refuse to engage in this behavior. Put a guard on our tongues, and even bite our tongues before we say something we will regret later.
When others are participating in this activity, either change the subject, walk away, or if possible, let them know you are uncomfortable engaging in gossip. We don’t want to come across as self-righteous, but what is more important is how God sees us rather than how others view us.
A Heart Sister is not honest.
This one may surprise you. Of course, we are honest, but we don’t have to be brutally honest. Rather, we must speak the truth in love and with kindness and gentleness. It is not necessary to say everything that comes to our minds. More importantly, we must protect the heart and the dignity of the one to whom we are speaking.
A better alternative to being honest is to be candid. Honesty benefits self, while being candid is to “speak difficult truths in complete love while protecting the dignity of the other person’s heart.”
…People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 NIV
A Heart Sister does not stir up conflict.
While many thrive on brewing relationship drama, “we don’t have to take the drink.” As Heart Sisters, we do all we can to live in peace with each other. Naturally, we will have some conflict in our relationships, but we strive to reconcile and get along. However, if your friend habitually stirs up discord, you may need to create some boundaries and distance yourself to a degree.
A Heart Sister will not talk more than she listens.
…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 NIV
On occasion, you may dominate a conversation when you have something specific to share, but this must not be the norm. Let us value our heart sisters and allow them to share what is on their hearts. Choose to listen humbly to what your friend is saying instead of formulating your response. Abstain from selfishness.
A Heart Sister won’t always turn the conversation back to herself.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 NIV
“When I make my conversations all about me, it’s only a matter of time before my friends flee.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
A Heart Sister also will not play emotional games with you.
There is no place for emotional manipulation among heart sisters. This “covert-aggressive personality is unable to take responsibility for her behavior and is very good at spinning any concerns you might discuss with her, so that you leave the conversation feeling like you are the one who has done something wrong.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
Do not give in to someone who is an emotional bully, but more importantly, do not be the one who manipulates others to get what you want.
A Heart Sister does not withhold forgiveness or lack humility.
This is paramount for developing healthy, authentic heart sister relationships! We have talked about forgiving in previous lessons, but what about being in a friendship with someone who refuses to forgive you? What if she refuses to talk things out and resolve conflict? That is not a true heart friend. This may be someone who has chosen to stay at arm’s length instead of engaging in a healthy relationship. This may take time for her to heal and be in the right place, and all we can do after taking initiative is to pray and be patient. Continue loving and being humble toward this person.
In such a situation, we are responsible to forgive regardless of how the other person responds. However, it takes two to reconcile. When you have done your part, and the other person is unwilling, be at peace that you have done all you can do.
Understand also that reconciliation is for friends, but not abusers or manipulators. We don’t have to be BFF’s with someone who habitually abuses us or emotionally manipulates us. It is mandatory to forgive, but then we may need to erect a protective boundary.
Heart Sister Do’s
When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Job 2:11-13 NIV
A Heart Sister will step in when everyone else wants to step out.
We need to be there for our Heart Sisters and not force them to face life’s trials by themselves. Job’s friends immediately drew to his side when everyone else had deserted him. Being a Heart Sister is not about convenience, and we don’t desert our friends when they need us most.
Job’s friends, as well meaning as they were, were great heart friends to him until they opened their mouths. When they sat in silence for several days to comfort him, that was the best thing they could have done. However, when they started speaking, it turned into massive accusations toward him and piling on more pain.
As Heart Sisters, we may not always know the right thing to say, and we may even say the wrong things at times. We have all done it. The important thing to remember is that what we do after our mistake is what matters. A simple, heartfelt apology is all that is needed. We can tell them, “I don’t know the right words to say, but I’m here for you.”
A Heart Sister speaks the truth softly – even when it’s hard.
Job’s friends spoke harshly to him and magnified his heartache and pain. As Heart Sisters, we must speak the truth in love, with gentleness and kindness. We can read through the words of Job’s friends to learn the opposite of how to speak to our friends in time of trouble.
Elihu, on the other hand, at least emphasized the positive and reminded Job that God is greater than any human body. Although Job is not without sin, he is not being punished because of his sin. Our example is to find a positive to speak to our Heart Sisters. Even if the truth is a difficult one, may our speech be seasoned with salt.
“Heart Sisters speak truth softly – even when it’s hard. They show up, stay in the game, and offer love to those who are hurting.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
“While it’s true we need to stand by our friends, that doesn’t mean that all boundaries are off. Sometimes people have made bad choices, and they want a coconspirator instead of a Heart Sister. Standing by a friend during times of trouble doesn’t mean you need to participate in any bad choices or sin that may be taking place. It just means you are there to love her without judgment and without compromising your own values.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17 NIV
A Heart Sister will work through conflict with humility and seek reconciliation.
We need to take responsibility for our part of the conflict instead of throwing the faults of our friend back at her. The relationship is more important than having to be right. Be sure to listen to our Heart Sister’s perspective and understand her side of things. We then must apologize for causing her pain, no matter how in the right we think we are. Again, this does not mean that we participate in being emotionally manipulated.
“Humility communicates safety in the relationship and safety leads to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to authentic Heart Sisters. And authentic Heart Sisters are what we all desire.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2 NLT
A Heart Sister points us to truth and encourages us to endure.
The enemy’s favorite tactic against us is to lead us to believe anything that is untrue about ourselves or our God. He is a big fat liar, and he uses these lies in hopes to render us powerless in the Kingdom of God. As Heart Sisters, we have the opportunity to remind our friends of the truth when they are discouraged or weighed down by the lies of the enemy. We can use our words to encourage and build up their confidence. We have the power to help them hold on just a bit longer instead of giving up.
A Heart Sister is loyal and mirrors the love of God.
In verse after verse throughout Scripture, we are reminded repeatedly of God’s faithfulness. He will never leave us or forsake us. He has promised to be with us everywhere we go, and He is faithful to fulfill His promises.
In the same way, we are to mirror the faithfulness and love to others that God shows to us. In a healthy relationship, a Heart Sister will stand by us, no matter what. However, if she is being treated unkindly or disrespected, she may need to draw a boundary. Heart Sisters have each other’s backs!
A Heart Sister encourages us to be the best we can be.
We are to encourage our Heart Sisters to grow spiritually and mentally. We care about the health and well-being of our friends more than our own selfish ambitions.
It is true that we tend to gradually become like those with whom we spend the most time. While we must shine the light of Jesus to the world around us, we must also choose our companions very wisely.
“It’s a fact that we tend to behave like the people who surround us. Yes, you can be a light for others, but it’s far easier for your light to dim when you’re the only one shining!” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 NLT
Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days. Proverbs 19:20 NASB
Finding Heart Sisters
If you feel a void in your heart that longs to be filled by a true Heart Sister, here are some things to keep in mind:
- Pray. Have you asked God to send you a friend?
- Cultivate your relationship with the Lord first. You will then be in a position for a healthy and authentic relationship with a Heart Sister.
- Take delight in the Lord. When we find our satisfaction in Him alone, we are in the place to appreciate the friends He gives us. God has promised that when we delight in Him, He WILL give us the desires of our hearts. (Psalm 37:4)
- Wait and trust.
- Look at our insecurities from a new perspective and refute each one with the truth that God’s Word says about you. Have confidence in who God made you to be. Instead of worrying that someone may not like you, go with the attitude that she just may like you. And, if she doesn’t, it’s OK. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, but God will send along someone who is a better fit for you.
- Be a friend. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. Learn all you can to be a true friend. Reviewing your Heart Sisters study is a great place to start!
- Be intentional. Take courage to “get out there.” It will take initiative to find a friend and to nurture our friendships. It doesn’t happen by osmosis. Even if we think we are too busy, we need to make the effort to tend to our friendships if we want them to thrive.
“If we desire things that God would see as fruitful according to His plan for our lives, such as Heart Sister relationships, then they will be ours if we remain faithful to Him. But they will happen on His timetable, not our own.” ~Natalie Chambers Snapp
I want to close with Natalie Snapp’s closing prayer for this study:
Dear Lord, thank You for my sister, your daughter, who has completed this study. She is a woman after Your own heart. She understands the importance of living in community with other women, and she desires to do it well. She longs for authentic relationships – relationships You intend us to have. And she wants to honor You in how she loves, encourages, and supports others. I pray for peace in her heart, for the courage she’ll need to reach out to other women, and for relationships that will encourage her to grow closer to You. Lord, we love You so much, and are so thankful for the abundant blessings You’ve poured over us. Amen.
This concludes our study of Becoming Heart Sisters, by Natalie Chambers Snapp. I pray this has been a tremendous blessing to you! Be sure to join us for Steadfast Love, by Lauren Chandler, beginning June 19. See here for information and to register. We hope you join us!
Week 6 Discussion Questions
Here are this week’s discussion questions for small groups. I hope you will join us!
Ice Breaker: If you could take an all-expenses paid mission trip to any place in the world, where would you want to go?
A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. Proverbs 16:28 NLT
QUESTION 1: What would you say is the difference between sharing out of concern and gossiping? What are some ways you can catch yourself before you start to gossip or shut it down when others want to bring you in on their gossip session?
Those who stir up dissension are those who thrive on drama. They find conflict exciting and feel at a loss when one isn’t brewing. Yet here’s the thing: just because they brew the drama doesn’t mean you have to drink it. (Day 1)
QUESTION 2: What are some ways we can nurture drama-free friendships? How can we have peace in our relationships instead?
Job’s friends showed up and were present at a time when he felt beaten down and alone. They were great friends to him until they opened their mouths. A Heart Sister is willing to show up and step in. (Day 3)
QUESTION 3: When have your friends showed up for you when you desperately needed them? How have they spoken truth into a time of confusion in your life?
And Jonathan made a solemn pact with David, because he loved him as he loved himself. 1 Samuel 18:3 NLT
Truthfulness and loyalty are both extremely valuable in our friendships. Heart Sisters are steadfast in their love for us and will never leave us behind. They’re loyal and unwavering. (Day 4)
QUESTION 4: How can you practice and nurture a sense of loyalty among your Heart Sisters? What if your Heart Sister is engaging in a sinful behavior. How can you continue to be loyal in such a situation?
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 NLT
Heart Sisters encourage us to be the best we can possibly be. (Day 4)
QUESTION 5: What are some way we can encourage our Heart Sisters to be the best they can be? When and how has a friend helped you become the best you can be?
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4 NLT
If we desire things that God would see as fruitful according to His plan for our lives, such as Heart Sister relationships, then they will be ours if we remain faithful to Him. But they will happen on His timetable, not our own. (Day 5)
QUESTION 6: What are the desires of your heart when it comes to friendships?
