I remember a very dark night in my life, many years ago, sitting on the couch with a huge bowl of double chocolate fudge ice cream drowning in chocolate syrup while I was drowning in my tears. I wept uncontrollably, feeling the shaking of the couch cushion under the heaves of my full-bodied sobs. Somehow, I expected this heaping bowl of chocolate wonder to fix what was aching in my heart, but to no avail. I was extremely disillusioned by a miserably lonely marriage and felt trapped and overwhelmed by numerous setbacks in my life. I felt worthless, and I just wanted all this pain to end. I hated my life. The worst part of all was that I was angry and hurt by God. He had not measured up to my expectations, and I felt so lost and confused.
This marks the most pitiful moment of my life, although I visited that scene more times than I care to admit during the course of a long, painful season. What didn’t make sense to me is that I had surrendered my life wholeheartedly to the Lord as a young girl, and I had expected things to turn out a certain way. How many times had I been told that everything would be hunky-dory if I allowed God to write the chapters of my life story? Well, I had done exactly that, yet God still allowed me to walk through this dark valley. I remember one occasion of looking up into the sky and yelling at God, “If this is your way of leading my life, I can do a better job!” Did I have some things to learn!
What I couldn’t see was that God was lovingly and mercifully looking down upon His grieving and angry daughter, knowing that one day it would all make sense to her. He knew I wouldn’t have been able to understand if He had explained everything to me at that time, but His perfect plan included taking me through a journey of discovery and growth that would forever change my perspective. He would use this very pain as a tool to demonstrate His infinite love and grace to me. He was also chiseling impurities from my heart and molding my character into the image of His Son. It would all be worth it someday. If only I could have seen it then!
During the course of the next year, I began to see that God had a very different plan for me than I had for myself but that He had everything perfectly under control. He didn’t spare me of all the pain and heartache because He knew that it would accomplish something beautiful in my heart. Instead, He would hold me and comfort me through it all. He never left me. He had a purpose. He was drawing me to Himself and speaking to me through His Word, but I still had so many questions and still felt such hurt.
I became desperate and set in motion a massive, determined quest to really know God. Perhaps all my preconceived ideas had been wrong all this time. Had I put God in a box and expected Him to only act in the way I had imagined He would? Did I really know Him like I thought I did? I certainly had thorough head knowledge of Him from a wonderful background of family and church that brought me up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. How blessed I was! However, it was time for me to make the transfer to knowing God intimately in my heart. No more would I rely on shallow knowledge, but I was ready to plunge into the deep. Something my sister had said to me during a visit really changed my life, “If something about God or His Word contradicts what you believe to be His nature, it is not He who is in error. The mistake is always in our understanding. He and His Word are infallible.” Her perspective gave me a firm foundation to stand on and forever confirmed my faith in God.
My mind skips now to the day I fell on my face and cried out to God, “I get it now! I see what You were doing. I now know You were with me, loving and comforting me through all of that hell I lived through. I now understand that You really do care for me and want the best for me. You used all that I had experienced to create a new heart in me and to show me what an awesome God You really are. You used a dark season in my life to draw me into a deeper relationship with You. I love you now more than I ever thought possible. I can now say for certain that I will follow You wherever You lead. I trust You.” My will had been broken, and I embarked on a new journey with God on a whole new level.
In the years that followed, I have had many opportunities to comfort others with the comfort I had received from God. I found a new compassion for hurting people because I knew firsthand what they were going through. As God has called me into full-time ministry, He knew my heart needed some softening so I could more effectively minister to others. It was necessary for me to experience all that I had experienced so that God could work through me in His way. It really was worth it!
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT
I can also say that God has restored everything that had been broken in my life, and many times over. I am so overwhelmed with all of His blessings. He has more than made up for all that I had lost. I have devoted myself to Him, and He has granted me the desires of my heart. All of the pain is gone!
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalm 37:4 NLT
“To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:3, 7 NLT
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.” Isaiah 61:3, 7 NLT
Does this mean I never face problems anymore? On the contrary. Life brings challenges and heart ache at nearly every turn. However, the difference now is in the way I respond. I no longer need to complain, whine, throw temper tantrums, or yell at God. I am standing on the rock and cannot be shaken. I now give thanks in everything and see something positive God is doing in every circumstance. His praise is constantly on my lips. I know He is always with me and will help me when it gets too hard . God is good all the time. He is a loving and merciful God, and He proves it to me every day.
What about the chocolate?
Well, I still love chocolate, but I don’t need to turn to it for comfort anymore. I almost never eat ice cream anymore either. I have found something much more satisfying. God’s presence in my daily life, and His Word are chocolate for my soul!
This is such a beautiful story of how God can help anyone through the struggles, despairs and disappointments of an unhappy and unfilled life when they really do seek Him and trust Him in the midst of it all…Your vulnerability is heart touching and ministers right where so many live day in and day out. I love this posting Sharon. You are such an anointed and gifted writer. Your transparency in your postings is really a pretty awesome thing to me. People can relate to a transparent heart. I'm so grateful that God has turned the many disappointments and discouragements into a life filled with loving and serving Him and a destiny to be a blessing to all who have the privilege of knowing you. Ministry flows from you…:-)
Excellent post!! Your transparency in this journey is very encouraging and a great blessing. Thanks for sharing this. Coming over from the Better Mom link-up.