Becoming Heart Sisters, Week 5, Blurred Lines

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 NIV

While we should always be loving and kind, we also have to accept that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is place boundaries in relationships. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Boundaries come in many shapes and sizes. To protect our hearts, our homes, our relationships, our health, our marriages, our minds, and our relationship with God, we will find it necessary to erect a fence to establish what will and will not be allowed inside. Boundaries can be biblical and healthy when properly applied. Understand this, it is not selfish to take care of yourself, for then you will be better equipped to take care of others.

I remember as a very young child, and my grandparents would visit our home. They were often vocal in their arguments and did not try to hide it or wait until they were alone to duke it out. I remember my mother, with much respect and with a calm tone, telling them that our home was not a place of strife. They were welcome to come anytime, but if they chose to argue, they would have to leave. She drew a boundary line to protect us as children from being exposed to constant fighting and turmoil.

That always impressed me, and I have kept that lesson in my heart for all these years. I noticed that she spoke with respect and did not have to be hateful or ugly to enforce her boundary. When one of her parents claimed it was unloving or unkind to speak in such a way, she explained that it was unloving and unkind to refuse to respect someone’s home and children. In other words, their boundaries. She had the responsibility before God to draw a line for the health and spiritual well-being of her children, regardless of what others thought.

I remember a few other boundaries my mother established that taught me well. She was an avid reader and was faithful to do Bible studies. She did a devotion in the morning, but she also had a more substantial chunk of time carved out in the afternoons when her housework was complete. As children, we knew we were to leave her alone during her study time. She had set a boundary in order to nourish her spiritual health.

When my brother or uncle would come to our house and want to smoke a cigarette, she kindly requested they smoke outside. Another boundary! No smoking allowed in the house!

We were not allowed to have phone calls at dinner time or after 9:00 PM. She protected family time and bed time because it was for our good.

She set boundaries to protect the moral climate of our home as well. For example, certain TV shows or types of music were not allowed in our home. She held very firmly to her boundaries, and we never had to wonder if she meant it this time or not. We may not have liked it, but we knew she meant business. She communicated her boundaries clearly and enforced them consistently.

I say all of this explain that I grew up with a healthy understanding of boundaries, and it has carried into my adult life, in my Christian walk, and in my relationships.

Years ago, I was in a toxic relationship where someone was repeatedly hurtful toward me, but continually apologized and asked for forgiveness. I thought it was my responsibility to forgive and then lay down as a door mat and allow this person to walk all over me again and again.  When I finally understood laying down a boundary, my perspective completely changed. I forgave this person and was totally free of resentment and anger. However, I also said, “No! I will NOT be treated this way any longer.” I then had to keep my distance, and that was OK!

Boundaries have been vital in my marriage as well. My husband and I have carried on the tradition of setting firm boundaries to protect our marriage, and it has paid off. We do not do any pastoral counseling alone with anyone of the opposite sex. We will not speak to each other with disrespect or raise our voices in anger. We just don’t do it! We don’t spend money or sway from the budget without discussing it with each other. We don’t allow other relationships, even our parents, to conflict with the health of our marriage.

Some might think these boundaries are extreme, but the payoff has been deep intimacy and trust, and we have prevented problems before they have had a chance to creep up on us.

In our study this week, we learned some valuable principles that will protect our relationships. Let’s take a moment and quickly summarize what we learned each day:

Day 1:

When we live to please other people instead of God, we will be worked over and run over. Boundaries allow us to love others well and handle sticky situations with grace. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Today we discovered the chaos that results from neglecting to establish boundaries in our lives. Often, this is rooted in people pleasing. We can wear ourselves ragged trying to be all things to all people, and that can also result in our turning into the wicked witch of the west toward the people we are to love the most – our families.

One truth that stood out to me is that no matter how hard I work to try to please everyone, there will always be someone who will criticize it, think it is not enough, and even who won’t like me. It’s just the way it is. It is futile to stress out trying to make everyone happy.

There is a saying that goes, “Stop trying to make everyone happy. You’re not chocolate!”

Right! If you were a bag of M & M’s, then that would be a different story. But, to be a true God pleaser, we cannot at the same time be focused on people pleasing.

Often, people will misunderstand our boundaries and accuse us of being selfish or unchristlike. People can be demanding and may be judgmental when we are merely choosing to do what is necessary to protect ourselves spiritually, our health, our families, our morals, etc. When our hearts are sold out for the sake of pleasing God first and foremost, we won’t be shaken by the opinions of others.

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Sometimes we have to guard our hearts by not allowing others to take advantage of us or by choosing to keep our distance from those who repeatedly hurt us. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

If you are exhausted and overwhelmed, then it’s possible you might be serving others for your own accolades rather than God’s accolades. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

You can’t serve others well if your own well is dry. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Day 2:

Boundaries allow us to establish a firm foundation so we can live and love most effectively. Relationships that are built on the solid foundation of mutual respect and healthy boundaries will endure. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Today, we focused on the positive aspects of boundaries. One analogy that clears up the concept of boundaries is to see it as putting up a fence in our backyard. We don’t put the fence up to be mean or unwelcoming to our friends and family, but it is a form of protection.

Boundaries help us establish a firm foundation in our lives so that we can share the love of Christ more effectively.

I enjoyed the term “grace-growers” this week. I used to call them EGR’s, that is “Extra Grace Required.” Natalie describes it this way, “Grace-rowers are those who get under our skin – who stir up dissension and love in order to be difficult. These people make us reach deep inside and dip into our reserves of grace, growing our grace capacity.”

Here’s the thing. We can show grace and love; however, we don’t have to be repeatedly hurt or mistreated by them. If you feel emotionally unsafe with someone, you may need to keep them at arm’s length for protection. Understand, we must forgive and let go of the hurt they may have caused. If you remember from last week, forgiveness is more about setting ourselves free than it is for the benefit of the one we are forgiving. However, once we have forgiven, boundaries may be necessary to protect the relationship while protecting our own hearts at the same time. This must be done with the right attitude, with love, and with much prayer.

Boundaries also communicate mutual respect. We must communicate what we will or will not tolerate, and if someone is not willing to respect our boundaries, it is their problem, not ours.

Here are the main points Natalie described:

  1. Boundaries define the line so that we know when it has been crossed.
  2. Boundaries help us to maintain our roots in God.
  3. Boundaries communicate healthy expectations in relationships.
  4. Boundaries help us not to be overscheduled.
  5. Boundaries help us take care of ourselves.
  6. Boundaries help us to discern appropriate behavior.

When we don’t take care of our own physical and emotional needs, we can’t give from our overflow because there simply isn’t any overflow to give. ~Natalie Chamber Snapp

Day 3:

Boundaries are not only healthy, they also are holy. If you are keeping your eyes on the cross and are sure you are hearing God’s direction to put a boundary in place, then you’re being obedient to Him if you follow through. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in a relationship is put a boundary in place. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

When we try to be friendly to or minister to a “grace-grower” in our lives, but then must draw a boundary line when they take advantage of us, we should not be surprised when we are met with criticism or harsh judgment. Today was so encouraging to help us cope when we are slandered or judged for setting boundaries. The “grace-grower” may accuse us of being uncaring, or say that we are “phony baloneys.” They may seek to bring harm to our ministry or our Christian witness.

When that happens, remember that our honor comes from God. He is our vindicator. Truth comes out, and we do not need to fret or fear.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Psalm 62:5-7

Your honor comes from Him, not them. If others judge and criticize you behind your back for setting boundaries, that’s between God and them, not you and them. See the difference? If you are following and obeying God by setting boundaries, then you don’t need to worry about what others are saying about you. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

It is also important to remember that we are to respect the boundaries of others, just as we would expect them to respect ours. We may not understand their choices, but giving them a guilt trip or criticizing them is unproductive and disrespectful.

Don’t bad-mouth each other, friends. It’s God’s Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You’re supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others? James 4:11-12 MSB

It’s true that we are all broken and need to have compassion for one another, but this doesn’t mean we should compromise our own health so that someone else can feel OK about herself. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Day 4:

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5 NIV

We cannot love others if our own wells are dry. When we don’t prioritize our own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, we aren’t taking care of the temple that houses the Holy Spirit— and everyone suffers as a result. Even Jesus took time to take care of Himself so He could care for others. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

I wrote this question in the margin of my book on this day, “Is my to-do list really so important that it is worth neglecting to fill my pitcher?” Remember, we cannot pour from an empty pitcher! Taking time to fill ourselves by spending time in the presence of the Lord in prayer and Bible study enables us to be able to pour into others.

Jesus set the example, and if we are followers of Christ, that also includes following his example of resting and spending time alone to pray. He understood the importance of refueling and refreshing before ministering to the crowds.

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Mark 1:35 NIV

On a personal level, what spoke most profoundly to me today is the truth that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit within us that helps us to become more and more like Jesus. When I consider that my body houses the Spirit of God, I am convicted to treat it with the same respect I would the House of God, or the church building. I have had a habit of trashing my body with junk food and neglecting to exercise or rest properly. This changed my perspective, and I realized the importance of taking care of myself physically as well as spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

When we don’t prioritize our own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, we aren’t taking care of the temple that houses the Holy Spirit. When we continually keep going, going, going without a break, thinking we’ll be fine only to lose it while trying to make dinner, help with homework, or fold laundry, we aren’t helping anyone., In fact, we are hurting everyone. The world will go on if you stop to rest, friend. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Day 5:

Establishing boundaries can be like training for a marathon. The training period can be difficult. You’ll have bad runs and good runs. You’ll be tired at times and you might be inconsistent now and then. Thankfully, there is grace. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

Today we learned how to respond to others in a way that shows care and respect rather than to be selfish or defensive with our boundaries. Natalie comes back to her theme of humility, which interestingly, seems to be the basis each week.

When establishing boundaries, we need to be conscious that we are not putting our needs above the needs of others. We must be willing to listen to others and recognize their viewpoint and their needs.

When we make our Christian witness a priority, we will be careful about not engaging in drama or fueling conflict with others. When we are slandered or put on the defensive, our response is what will make all the difference. We don’t have to accept the invitation of others to engage in their baiting; rather, we can choose to respond gently, yet firmly, and with love and humility. Let us use Christ as our perfect example.

When we don’t get defensive when confronted but listen and then lovingly respond, we are following the teachings of Jesus. I don’t know about you, but my natural response is not to respond as Jesus did – which is why self-control must come into play here. We have to choose to go against our flesh in situations like this. ~Natalie Chambers Snapp

How do we know when it’s time to establish a boundary in a relationship?

A relationship might be crying out for boundaries if…

  • The offender repeatedly mistreats you and makes indirect, biting remarks that don’t seem so bad but are intended to take you down a bit. This is called covert aggression.
  • There is an obvious lack of humility when you attempt to talk to the other person about your own hurt.
  • She repeatedly spins the issue so that you leave the conversation feeling you’re always in the wrong – and never her.
  • You notice that you’re consistently beaten own rather than built up when you leave her company.
  • She doesn’t have your best interests at heart – only her own. She has an “all about me” mind-set.

Sometimes we will be mistreated, but we do not have to allow it. Remember, it is their problem and not ours. We do not have to give them the power to control our emotions, but we must speak the truth in love. We cannot control how others treat us, but we do have control of our response.

Week 5 Discussion Questions

Here are this week’s discussion questions for small groups. I hope you will join us!

ICE BREAKER: What was your favorite superhero when you were a kid and why?

 

We give Jesus a bad name when we exhibit an “I’ve-got-it-all-together-and-life-is-perfect” facade to the public and then spit venom at our loved ones behind closed doors. Exhaustion can be very destructive in our faith walk. (Day 1)

QUESTION 1: Have you ever put your face on for the public and been ugly to your loved ones? Have you ever felt burnt out, exhausted, overwhelmed, used up, or depleted physically, emotionally, or spiritually? Looking back, what could you have done to prevent it?

 

Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27 NIV

Relationships that are built on sand are filled with strife and consistently drain emotional energy. But relationships that are built on rock have a solid foundation of mutual respect and understanding. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties respect, care for, and value each other. (Day 2)

QUESTION 2: How can we build a relationship on rock? What does it look like?

 

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. John 17:15 NIV

Boundaries are not only healthy, they also are holy. If you are keeping your eyes on the cross and are sure you are hearing God’s direction to put a boundary in place, then you’re being obedient to Him if you follow through. (Day 3)

QUESTION 3: What boundaries do you need to set in your life?

 

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. 1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV

Boundaries protect our spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. Remember: you can’t love others well if your own well is dry.

When we don’t prioritize our own physical, spiritual, and emotional needs, we aren’t taking care of the temple that houses the Holy Spirit. When we continually keep going, going, going without a break, thinking we’ll be fine only to lose it while trying to make dinner, help with homework, or fold laundry, we aren’t helping anyone. In fact, we are hurting everyone. (Day 4)

QUESTION 4: What are some ways you need to begin taking better care of yourself – physically, spiritually, emotionally? How is your “well?” Is it full, half full, dry…? What do you need to do to refill your well?

 

Defensiveness blocks intimacy. When we become defensive, we are putting our own needs above the person who is confronting us; in our struggle to be vulnerable, we lack the humility that is necessary in order to really listen. We build a wall that keeps us from the intimacy we were created to experience. (Day 5)

QUESTION 5: Consider Jesus’ responses when the Pharisees continually tried to put Him on the defensive. What can we learn from Jesus about how to respond to people who either mistreat us or try to engage us in their drama?

 

QUESTION 6: After taking a close look at your boundaries this week, how would you like your life to look a little different? What actions can you take this week to begin making those changes?

Assignments for the Week:

  • Pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal truth and wisdom to You from God’s Word and to transform your heart.
  • Read Week 6 from the member book.
  • Attend a small group.
  • Participate in daily activities in the Heart to Heart Facebook group.

How This Works

  • Register by leaving a comment below. Tell us where you are from and what you hope to glean from this study.
  • Subscribe to this site to receive future updates by email. Enter your email address in the field to the right, and then click the subscribe button.
  • Join our closed Facebook group, Heart to Heart Women’s Bible Study, for weekly interaction, activities, videos, and small group sessions. Closed means that no one will be able to see our posts unless they are members of the group. This is for your safety and privacy.
  • Small Groups: There will be a schedule for small groups pinned to the top of the Facebook group, Heart to Heart Women’s Bible Study, as we get closer to the time. All you need to do is show up at the scheduled day and time, and the discussion will take place underneath the group photo.

Reading Schedule

  • May 1-7, Study Week 1: Why Do We Need Girlfriends and Where Do We find Them?
    • Small groups: Introduction. No need to ready anything ahead of time.
  • May 8-14, Study Week 2: Getting Right with God
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 1
  • May 15-21, Study Week 3: Clash of the Titans
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 2
  • May 22-28, Study Week 4: The Forgiveness Business
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 3
  • May 29-June 4, Study Week 5: Blurred Lines
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 4
  • June 5-11, Study Week 6: Heart Sisters Do’s and Don’ts
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 5
  • June 12-18
    • Small groups: Discuss Week 6

 

I look forward to seeing you in small groups this week!

God bless!

 

 

 

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