Broken promises – again!
Let down – again!
Dysfunction – as usual!
We all know someone who habitually repeats this pattern in his/her life, and they can suck the sanity right out of us if we get drawn in to their drama yet again.
This leaves us with a moral dilemma…
• Do we try to be the hands and feet of Jesus and show His grace in the attempt to help them, while at the same time letting them take advantage of us and steal our peace? Are we to be naive and continually fall for their antics over and over again? Do we bail them out repeatedly and never allow them to face the consequences of their choices, no matter how horrific they may be?
• Consequently, do we draw a line in the sand and say “No more,” but refuse to forgive or show mercy?
• Do we let go and try to detach ourselves from their dysfunction, only to immerse ourselves in a tirade of anger and endless chatter about how this person has wronged us or upset us? The accusations and criticism are justified, so do we invest every bit of our energy and focus on telling everyone about it?
I was faced with such decisions this past week, and even as a child of God, these are not necessarily easy questions to answer. Each extreme has some wisdom as well as some flaws, but the proper balance is not always simple to see. My sisters each love the Lord with all their hearts, but we also each had different ways of approaching this situation. When someone made grand promises to us that were based on intense emotion, and that we have heard repeated numerous times in the past, it didn’t take long to realize that the change we had hoped for was not going to happen.
I will not go into any detail except to point out that we all have someone in our lives that desperately needs the love and grace of God, yet also needs to be held accountable for their choices at the same time. So, what do we do?
God’s Word has much to say about the matter, so let’s start there…
- Be patient. Christ is patient with us. He is not quick to give up on us or get frustrated with us. It is not His desire for us to perish, so He went through an awful lot of trouble to be sure that we would come to repentance. Perhaps that should be our first thought, to be like Jesus.
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9 ESV
- Understand that we are all in the same boat. I see here that we are all in the same boat; we have all sinned. When I see this person who has sinned against me, I need to remember the grace God showed me even when I sinned. God didn’t shun us, and we cannot shun others. We all need Jesus, even those who wrong us.
We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. Romans 3:22-24 NLT
- Check ourselves. Before we fixate on the speck in someone else’s eye, even if it is a ginormous speck, let’s pay attention to the log in our own eye first. It is amazing at how our perspective may change! Once we take care of our own shortcomings, we will see more clearly how to respond to this situation.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 ESV
- Forgive and let go of bitterness. Check your heart for any unforgiveness or bitterness. Forgiving does not mean that what they did is OK, nor does it mean to have to allow it to continue, but it does mean to put it in God’s hands to handle. You are then choosing to be at peace with it and not hold it against that person any longer. Unforgiveness will taint your ability to demonstrate grace.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
- Attempt to gently restore. We have the responsibility to make an attempt to restore the person who is in sin, but the key word is “gently.” We are not to pound them in the head with a 2-ton King James, but we are not to ignore their sin either. This is where we need to Holy Spirit’s guidance to restore them through grace without putting ourselves in a compromising situation. That goes for the temptation to gossip or condemn as much as the temptation to bask in our pride of not being in their shoes, and every bit as much as the temptation to partake in their sin.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Galatians 6:1 NIV
- Follow Jesus’ formula. Jesus gave us the perfect formula for approaching someone who has sinned against us.
1. Go to them privately and tell them. Don’t make assumptions, and don’t let is escalate into a fight. Just tell them and give them a chance to make it right.
2. Then, bring a witness. This is not to gang up on someone, but to have a witness for the sake of reconciliation.
3. The final step in a church setting is to bring it before the church body for discipline if necessary.
4. In some situations, there comes a time when we have to just let it go. That does not mean that we are not forgiving, but we must detach ourselves from their dysfunction and draw a boundary line that they cannot cross. But then, we have to be sure we aren’t hanging on to it and allowing it to continue to eat away at us like poison. We must rise above it!
If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17 NLT
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1 NLT
- Finally, let them be responsible for their own actions. We do not need to rant or stew in the wrong that others have done, nor allow it to eat away at us. No matter how justified we feel in pointing out another person’s flaws, we need to remember that they will stand before God and have to give account for their actions on their own. They will face the consequences for their choices all by themselves. We need to let it roll off our backs and not allow it to rob us of our peace.
So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Romans 14:12 ESV
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. 2 Corinthians 5:10 ESV
When I think of the grace that Jesus has shown me, how can I ever withhold grace from anyone else? God has shown me that His grace is greater than any sin or stain on my past, and He offers it freely to me. His love never expires, even when I am unlovely. Since I have the love of Christ within, how is it possible to deny that love to another person?
On the other hand, is it really showing love to enable bad choices? Is it possible to help someone too much so that they never learn to take responsibility for themselves? And, even with our best intentions, are we responsible for their bad choices? Do we bear that weight, and should we?
These are questions we must carefully consider when we are wronged, and we need to dig into Scripture to see what God’s Word has to say to us. Then, our best bet is to allow the Holy Spirit to guide our words, our actions, and our attitudes. Let us continually check ourselves to ensure that our emotions are not taking control, but that the Holy Spirit is holding the reins in each situation.
Remember, be like the eagle. Instead of scratching in the dirt and pecking at each other like chickens, the eagle rises above and soars with dignity. Let us show the unconditional love and grace of Christ to others, but do not allow sanity suckers to sap your peace. Put Christ first, and let Him lift You above the fray.
God bless you all, and be at peace!
the hardest thing to do is to let them go to make their own decisions.. that is so hard for me…
That is so true! However, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their own lives. In the long run, we are doing what is best for them as well as ourselves. It doesn’t mean that we can’t continue to love and pray for them, but we do not have to control them. One of the hardest things ever is to know when to get involved and when to take our hands off. I am so thankful for the leading of the Holy Spirit!