Don’t we all to some degree want to win the fight, to be the one who is right, to receive vindication for all the sweat and tears that we invested in the relationship? Certainly, we don’t want to lose the upper hand if we want to have our way. Otherwise, we’d be letting the other person lord it over us, right? Most of us have given in to this kind of thinking at least to some degree and at least once in our lives. Unfortunately, it also illustrates two of the biggest roadblocks to healing and reconciling relationships, and these are qualities that can creep into the hearts of any of us if we aren’t careful – stubbornness and pride.
Ouch!
Isn’t it difficult sometimes to be the one to have to budge and make the first move? Does that mean we are admitting fault and conceding victory? After all, why should we be the one to give in when it is clear that the other person is the one at fault? Besides, we have our pride to think about, and we would never hear the end of it!
The unfortunate dilemma here is that the price to keep our pride, our upper hand, our right to be right, is, sadly, the loss of or distance in our relationships with our friends or family. Is it really worth the loss of a valuable relationship in order to avoid having our pride bruised just a bit?
Regardless of right or wrong, or who started the conflict, it takes courage to be willing to take a huge swallow of that nasty pill of pride and take the first step toward restoration. Oh, but it’s worth it! Regardless of how the other person reacts, whether or not they are remorseful, or even if they accept our attempts at reconciliation or not, the important thing is that we are willing to be the bigger person and make the first move out of obedience to Scripture. Romans 12:18-21 expresses so perfectly what our responsibility as Christ’s disciples is in our relationships and interactions with others.
Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge.
Leave that to the righteous anger of God.
For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”
says the Lord.
Instead,
If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Romans 12:18-21 NLT
Here are four things to consider as we step forward to bring healing to our relationships:
1. Forgive completely and then restore the person in a spirit of meekness. You may need to discuss some difficult topics, but you may also need to just let some things go and agree to disagree. Matthew 18:15 gives the prescription for approaching someone who has offended you. “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.” Keep a matter-of-fact tone, and do not let emotions take control of the situation. You may have to establish boundaries of safety as well in order to reconcile and establish peaceful coexistence. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it, and do not rehash issues over and over again. Once it is behind you, keep it there. For instruction on how to forgive, and what forgiveness is and is not, please see my video and blog, Choose Forgiveness.
2. Keep in mind that we may not even be able to fully restore the relationship. The other person may not be receptive (Matthew 15:16-17). Or, it may not be wise or healthy to be close to this person again. However, that does not excuse us from forgiving. We must continue to pray, to be kind, and to show love. We are responsible for our part, and then we leave the rest in God’s hands. He will deal with their hearts, but we will have peace that we have done all that we can do. In the case of an abusive relationship, you are not required to put yourself in a dangerous or compromising position. Praying for this person from a distance may be all the kindness necessary, and the rest is in God’s hands.
3. Forgiveness does not minimize the hurt done to you, nor does it say that it was OK. Forgiveness does not diminish justice. It is normal and healthy to experience a period of grief for any loss or damage done to you, and it is not wrong to feel some negative emotions in the process. Acknowledge your hurt for the purpose of healing and restoration, but not for the purpose of holding it over their head until the end of time. You are simply placing it in God’s hands to bring about justice and mercy, and then you are allowing yourself to be at peace about it. That is where healing begins!
4. Ultimately, this is about yielding our hearts and wills completely to the Lord. When we love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, our hearts will mesh in unity with His heart. His will becomes our will. Therefore, it is more than merely making the first move to restore friendships, but it is about having a pure and obedient heart before God. We will then have the desire to approach relationships in a way that pleases and honors God. There is just no room for stubbornness and pride in a heart full of God’s love! Ask the Holy Spirit to search, cleanse, fill, and use us. We will then be in the place to follow His commands, regardless of the hurt. He will heal and empower us and fill us with His love. We will become focused on the things that truly matter instead of being consumed by anger, bitterness, hurt, and pride.
Let us pray this prayer together:
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalms 139: 23-24 NIV
My personal reflections…
God is asking me to…
· Pray for and speak blessing to and about others. Regardless of who is in the wrong in a conflict, I will leave it in God’s hands to handle. My responsibility is only to bless and love others.
· When I have an enemy or a strained relationship, I must pray, be humble, forgive, be kind, speak well of and to, bless, and love sincerely.
My challenge is to…
· Keep balance. I cannot allow another person’s sour spirit to harm me, my family, or my church. There are times I must stand against wrong behavior, but bring correction only in love and submission to spiritual authority. I must maintain a Christ-like and obedient attitude at all times.
· Continue to do what is right and keep a God-pleasing attitude even when others hurt, blame, or mistreat me or someone I love.
· Not make excuses. Other people’s behaviors, words, or attitudes are never an excuse for me to disobey God. I am responsible before God for my own attitude, words, and behavior.
May you all experience healing, restoration, and peace as you trust God’s perfect plan for relationships. May you choose to forgive so you can experience God’s best for you! It is so worth it!
God bless!
