I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5
As a wide-eyed, ambitious, college graduate, I was ready to conquer the world for the sake of Christ. As Dr. Paul Conn delivered the commencement address for the 1989 graduates of Lee University, I envisioned the grand mission that God had laid out for me. I believed that I was destined for greatness and I could hardly wait to get started!
In time, however, I quickly realized that the course of my life would not necessarily line up the way I had planned. Does it ever really? I had intermittent seasons of professional fulfillment and fruitful involvement in ministry; however, these were interspersed with periods of disillusionment and unfruitfulness. During those times, I felt so let down! Would I ever become the woman I dreamed I would be?
I considered myself an industrious performer, but perhaps that was my problem. I was all about performance, recognition, and chalking up points with God. I was more concerned with what I did for Him than I was about my relationship with Him. Then, when I fell short of what I felt was expected of me, I became paralyzed with guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I worried that God was disappointed in me and that my family and my colleagues would not view me as a success.
Relying on my own strength left me in the pits! Even though I did a lot of great things, I could never seem to do or be enough. I was so hard on myself and set impossible to reach standards. I also became frustrated by life’s interruptions that blocked my goals, and I threw in the towel too easily.
I must admit that my season of motherhood far surpassed anything I had ever imagined! What love and fulfillment I experienced during these precious years with my children! However, since I had placed my career and ministry on hold for the sake of putting my children first, I wrestled with feelings of inadequacy and a struggling self-worth during those years especially. I knew I was being faithful to the convictions God had placed on my heart, and I have no regrets of being home with them, but I felt that I needed to be doing something more to feel good about myself.
“Doing something more?” “Feel good about myself?” Where did that come from? Had I bought into the lie that my self-worth was dependent upon my accomplishments? Did I have to be doing something in order to be of value? I knew who I was in Christ. I was certainly productive in the most valuable way possible in nurturing my children, but would others see my choices as valuable? Was I wasting my years of college? Would I be held accountable for not reaching the masses for Christ while “hiding out” at home? Wasn’t I made for more? These questions alone show how confused I was!
As my children grew up, and I had more freedom to pursue teaching and ministry, I starting pouring myself passionately into my work. I don’t know if I was trying to make up for lost time or if I was trying to check off some imaginary checklist, but I noticed that I felt better about myself the busier I became. That is until the stress wore me plumb out! I was too busy and exhausted for what really mattered, and I had spent myself ragged on things of lesser value. I was either doing too much or not enough all the time, and my self-image climbed up and down the scale accordingly.
Why was I so mixed up?
Somehow, while I was trying to amass accomplishments to feel good about myself, I had strayed from the truth that my worth is determined by the very One who created me and gave his life for me, not by what I do. I knew that, so how had I forgotten?
Yes, I had a relationship with God, and ultimately, I knew that all I was doing was for Him, but I failed to understand His love, grace, and acceptance of me apart from my works. I did not have to earn my way with God; He was more concerned with my “being” than my “doing.” He just wanted my heart, and then I would be in the position to experience true fruitfulness in connection with Him. I had it turned around. We must seek relationship first, and then works will follow, not the other way around.
What made the most impact on my flawed thinking was to read John 15:1-8. The Holy Spirit brought this Scripture so alive in my heart, and it became my theme for an entire year while my thinking and my life were being transformed. For one, I learned the difference in being busy merely chalking up works as opposed to being truly fruitful. Fruitfulness, or productivity, is not about doing, doing, doing all the time. Fruit is produced in us only when we are connected to the vine.
As humans made in the image of God, we have a natural desire to do good works and be fruitful because God put that desire in us. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” In our limited mortal strength, however, we can only tally a string of dried up, lifeless deeds that will not have lasting value. On the other hand, as we are connected to the life-giving source of Christ within us, and we allow the Holy Spirit to live through us, we will find the satisfaction of bearing much fruit that will bring glory to God.
One more correction I needed to make was to understand that my goal was no longer to affirm my own self-worth or to feed my ego, but my purpose is to display the glory of God in every aspect of my life. Once I learned that, I found the peace and fulfillment that I could never seem to achieve in the past. I thought I had been working for God’s glory, but my perspective had been skewed. The only fix was to apply the truth from God’s Word. As a matter of fact, that is the remedy for every single error or problem in our lives!
My advice for a productive and fulfilling life is to read, absorb, and live John 15:1-8. Make it your life focus to abide in the Vine, or stay connected to Jesus above all things. Allow the Holy Spirit to lead you and speak to your heart every day. Trust Him when He prunes unfruitful areas of your life, and even when He prunes fruitful areas so that you may produce more fruit.
A ripe, fresh, juicy peach is much more satisfying than the hard and tough pit! In the same way, bearing fruit by remaining intimately connected to Christ is much more fulfilling than relying on our own strength and wallowing in the pits! Remember, relationship first!
This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. John 15:8
