Pouring My Heart Out About All the Changes

I have a confession to make. I think I’m going nuts! So much is happening in my life at one time, and I can’t seem to catch up with processing it all. Have you ever felt that way?

I had been enjoying quite a long and wonderful season of intimacy in my relationship with the Lord, and I felt like I was being more fruitful in ministry than I ever had before. I was enjoying many opportunities to share the Gospel and to encourage women in the Lord. It was all so exciting! Being a pastor’s wife and leading an online ministry felt like I was smack dab in the center of God’s will for my life. That is so fulfilling! For a season, I thought I had found my sweet spot!

Now, I have been handed a perfect opportunity for my faith to be tested and stretched and built up and matured. So much change is happening suddenly in my life, and my head is in a spin!

I suppose if I would have stayed where I was comfortable, I would have become stagnate instead of having this opportunity to grow. I must remember what James said in chapter 1, verses 2-4:

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

I understand that this is a part of what is going on in my life. God is continuing the process of perfecting my character and tenderizing my heart so that I will be more effective in ministering to other women.

However, I am struggling to find the words lately, and I don’t feel like I am able to be as effective as I was before. I feel scatterbrained, and I can’t find time to do the things I am so passionate about. That is so frustrating! I still love to minister and to serve as much as ever, but my heart is really going through a time of adjustment and transition.

I will confide in you about what has happened.

When my husband and I got married, he was working with his father as a partner in ministry at a little church in a little town in Central Georgia. I was so excited to join him in this venture, and we commuted 150 miles every weekend to work with him. When the door opened up in 2010 for Jeff to work at KIA, and for us to move to Thomaston, we jumped at it. We knew it was God’s will, no matter how much of a sacrifice it would be.

During this time, his father groomed Jeff for eventually taking over as pastor of the church. He also worked with me and eventually ordained me in the ministry. It was exciting, but in the back of my mind, I struggled because I never really felt accepted or appreciated in this church. Never. There were always a few who supported and encouraged me, and of course Jeff and his father made me feel like a queen! However, a number of the people seemed to resent me and acted aloof toward me. It was a long time before I felt like a real part of the church, and that wasn’t until many of the members left about a year before Jeff’s dad passed away.

The worship leader kept quitting, and Jeff’s dad would put me in his place as worship leader. However, after several weeks, he would come back and always got his job back. I really didn’t like being treated like this, but I kept silent. However, the last time he quit, Jeff’s dad wouldn’t let him back in so easily. He required a meeting and a willingness to work with me as a team. This offended him, and he and his entire family, which was half of the church, left. This nearly killed the church, and it broke my father-in-law’s heart irreparably. However, God also knew that this divisive root needed to be gone before Jeff and I would be able to take over as pastors of the church.

Unfortunately, while this church split helped us have one of the healthiest and most unified seasons in the history of our church, it never really recovered from that terrible wound. When Jeff’s dad died, it was one of the saddest days of my life! But, Jeff and I accepted the responsibility to pick up where his father left off and bring the church forward into a new season. It was tough to pick it up after what had happened, but nevertheless, we entered into one of the most beautiful seasons of the church for awhile.

We experienced such a wonderful first couple of years! I loved my life, and I loved serving these people! The music was awesome, and the preaching was phenomenal. We gave our all, above and beyond, but the people became complacent. We had amazing VBS’s, fall festivals, Friend Days, and other major events to attract new members. We advertised and invited people left and right. However, those events wore us out because only a few of our members were willing to do the work. I ran myself ragged trying to do it all.

Also, during our time of pastoring, we went through a crisis as a church when a couple was accused of child abuse. This caused major division, and several members left because of that incident. Some who remained, however, became bitter. People began longing for the old days and wanting things the way they used to be. We were beginning to lose ground terribly, but we refused to give up the fight!

As you can imagine, when people begin thinking this way, there is nothing we can do to change their minds except pray and trust God. I know for sure my husband and I heard from God as we poured out everything we had to these people. Unfortunately, it was not appreciated by all. Many began closing us off and settling into their warm and comfortable pews, not wanting to budge. The atmosphere became unbearable. We struggled with this for about a year, and we kept trying to remain faithful to our calling and to trust God to revive this dying bunch, but the slippery slope had begun. We were on a fast track downhill.

We became discouraged when we couldn’t get people to come to prayer meetings, workdays, or any other service other than Sunday morning. No matter how exciting we made it, they just didn’t want to move beyond their comfort zone. The worship music was fantastic! So exciting! Yet, the majority would sit in their pews with their arms folded, as if they were bored out of their gord.

You can’t imagine how difficult it is to keep going in this kind of environment. In addition to this, several of our most prominent members passed away in a short time. When that happened, so went their financial support. The few pew warmers who were left were unable to sustain the church financially by themselves, and the part time salary we were making as pastors was cut to 0. Yes, for nine months, we continued pastoring and received absolutely no compensation for it at all. As a matter of fact, we continued to tithe, and we had to pay for all our own supplies, such as printer ink and paper. We had to pay for all the music for the band ourselves. The church never did. We also personally donated paper supplies, coffee, soap for bathrooms, flowers, air freshener, all the women’s Bible study kits, etc. The church couldn’t afford anything, and we had to supply all these things ourselves. We were paying to pastor, and that was wrong!

However, God really dealt with us about this. He convicted us for a time to continue serving wholeheartedly and to trust Him as our source. So, we continued doing everything possible to grow the church and to keep it going strong. One day we realized, however, that the people were going to continue sitting in their pews, except for a very few, and it was never going to change.

We tried to think like Paul from the Bible. In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul explains in length that ministers must receive support from those who benefit from their preaching. However, he chose not to take pay from this particular church because they couldn’t afford it. He didn’t want anything to hinder them from hearing the Gospel. He worked to support himself, but he also received support from the other churches. In the same spirit, we chose to willingly lay down our right to receive compensation so that we could continue to minister to these people just like Paul. However, as Paul puts it:

In the same way, the Lord ordered that those who preach the Good News should be supported by those who benefit from it. 1 Corinthians 9:14 NLT

Paul also instructed Timothy with these words:

Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says, “You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain,” and, “The laborer deserves his wages.” 1 Timothy 5:17-18 ESV

In time, because of the sudden cut in pay from the church, and KIA cutting out overtime, our personal finances really began suffering. We had to take on part time jobs to supplement our income. That also meant that we would have to pull back from some of our responsibilities at the church. Jeff began working at the radio station and at Captain D’s part time in addition to his position of quality engineer for KIA Motors. I began working at LifeWay Christian Store. Now, Jeff was working a full-time job, two part time jobs, and pastoring part time. He was getting no rest, and very little sleep. He was going constantly! There was no way he could have continued this pace!

Several weeks ago, consequently, Jeff had a heart scare. He had begun having terrible chest pain, and it was directly related to his heart. He had some blockages, and one of his major arteries was 90% blocked. He had to have minor surgery to correct it, but he was also directed to slow down and reduce some stress.

This caused us to begin thinking and praying pretty hard about the situation with our church and realizing that we needed to make a change.

Jeff and I finally felt released by God to leave this position. We spent hours in prayer and counseling to be sure we were doing this right. We also hired a lawyer to make sure all our I’s were dotted, and our t’s were crossed. Jeff wrote his resignation letter and presented it to the Pastor’s Counsel. They were left with two options. They could try to find another pastor who would do all we did for no money, which they knew they could not do, or they could close the doors permanently. Legally, if they closed their doors, they had to release all assets to another church.

This decision was for the Board of Trustees alone to make, and it was not to be brought before the church body. Besides, can you imagine how crazy it would be to open that can of worms for the entire congregation? The Trustees chose the church we would merge with. Jeff then made the announcement this past Sunday in the most professional and positive way possible.

The majority of the people were so loving and understanding. We received such sweet hugs and kind words. It was definitely the right time to do this, and they agreed!

To my heart’s dismay, however, there were a few women who were so angry and bitter. I was shocked at how ugly they could be toward us. One actually yelled at Jeff for abandoning them. She actually raised her voice and shouted at him for letting them down.  Really? That just floors me.

Another friend that I had been so close to over the years was so angry and rude to me. After all these years of being so close, and after all I had sacrificed to pour into her life specifically, she was willing to risk it all because she didn’t get her way. Did our relationship mean nothing to her? Did all I pour into her life over the years matter? And she is going to end it like this?

Someone posted on Facebook about how sad it was that Jeff’s father’s legacy was ended before it was completed. Is that all this was about? Jeff was only here to finish his dad’s dream? His dad surely wouldn’t have put up with what we did for so long. He was about moving forward, not staying stuck in the past. They completely misunderstood..

We actually had someone come to our church and say that God told him to tell us that we need to return to the “House of George.” No, this is the House of God, and we are to follow Christ, not a person. The message God had put on our hearts couldn’t possibly compete with the nostalgia they had over their first pastor.

That was the problem.

We could never fill his shoes in their eyes. That is the bottom line for several of them. They had their eyes on George instead of God.

Well, that is not what God called us to do, and that is not how George Lewis would have wanted it.

Originally, I was devastated by the reaction of these three women in the church. However, I realize that it was only three women, and I don’t know if they knew just how bad things had been for us. Everyone else was wonderful. Yet, I felt so heartbroken to stand at the front of the church and be rejected by these women that I had given years of my life to. It took some time to shake that hurt off.

And now, I am happy to say that today, I finally shook it off. I knew the moment I had finally allowed my heart to be set free.

I am satisfied that I gave everything I possibly could to these people, but especially to God. I loved with all my heart, and I served wholeheartedly and with excellence. Whether they accept it or appreciate it or not is of no consequence to me. God sees, and God knows. That is really all that matters. The majority of the people were supportive, so I don’t have to allow the small group of sourpusses to taint my heart with bitterness. I am going to do exactly what Jesus told his disciples to do when they were rejected.

And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14 ESV

Today, I finally shook the dust from my feet. I am ready to move on now.

God is opening new doors for us, and we will continue giving our all. However, we will also use wisdom and have balance. We will continue to preach and teach, sing, write, and anything else God gives us to do – even if it’s to scrub toilets! I will also be pursuing a minister’s license in the denomination of the church we will be transferring to. God has a great new season in store for us, and I am so excited to walk into it!

It is so much easier to walk where God would have us walk when we have shaken the dust of rejection from our feet!