Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. Romans 15:7 NIV
I was wrong about her…
After all, what other conclusions could I make? When I tried striking up a conversation, it appeared to me that she would back off, leaving an uncomfortable awkwardness lingering between us. I knew she just must not like me.
When she overheard something I said out of context, she came at me like a bulldog defending her bone. Of course, I could formulate my judgments about her with pin-point accuracy after that one isolated episode!
I had observed facial expressions and body language that, with my superior skills of discernment, I simply had no other alternative but to conclude that she could not possibly be as spiritual or as friendly as I, of course, was. When she would miss a choir rehearsal or Sunday School class, well, should I have expected anything else? I was willing to cut others some slack, but not her because I had already pre-determined her intentions and lack of spiritual maturity.
Can you believe I was so arrogant?
Have you ever done that? Have you ever misjudged someone, not just at first glance, but by holding on to a misconceived assumption about that person for months, years, or even decades? You have a narrow glimpse into this person’s public persona, so you assume you know all there is to know about the person’s character?
Often, it can be just one simple run-in with this person that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You then conclude that he/she must not like you, has a bad personality, or must not be a quality person. It is amazing how quickly we often rush to judgment when someone collides with our insecurities, our shortcomings, or worse yet, our arrogance.
How unfair I was, but I didn’t realize it! I look back and recall things I had said that were based on pure ignorance and pride. Who was I to draw such foolish conclusions based upon only a tiny glimpse into who this person really was?
What I hadn’t considered is that I could have hurt her deeply, severed any relationship we could have had, hindered her effectiveness in ministry, or put a wedge between my own soul and God. What I was doing is a sin, and it is displeasing to God. My own heart needed some correction before I could see clearly enough to evaluate another person.
I suppose we all do it at one time or another. We have opinions about people based upon our interactions with them, but do we really know them? Can we honestly draw conclusions based on outward appearance or isolated incidents?
Eventually, she broke the ice by coming to me and apologizing for anything she had ever done to cause tension between us. I suddenly felt like a silly 6th grader. You know how girls that age often act, and I was behaving no better! While I had concluded that this person was the immature one, I was actually the one who was being immature and petty. She is the one who acted like a grown up.
We hugged and decided to try again. That moment earned her some character points in my judgment bank! (Uh-oh, here I go again!)
I learned that when she had backed off from me in the beginning, she was just not a talkative person. She is introverted, and it takes time for her to feel comfortable with someone. She was not snubbing me, but she was acting on her own insecurities – no different than what I was doing! She would come around in time, if only I would have given her the chance.
When she spoke one harsh word to me, she was reacting to what she heard me say, even if it was out of context. She had worked all night long in a 12-hour nursing shift in the emergency room and then stayed up to bake for our women’s brunch. She was exhausted! She took what I said as an attack, and if I had seen her perspective, I would have understood perfectly. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I should have communicated with her and made things right. Again, my fault, not hers.
As for all the other assumptions, I had based my opinions on my pre-conceived ideas about her instead of getting to know her. Again, I was completely wrong about every bit of it.
It took going through a few tragedies together that I really got to see her true character and experience what a loving, generous, and decent person she really is. I observed how she handled some unspeakable disasters and loss in her life and yet maintain her faith and integrity. What amazing strength this woman has! When others were speaking slander, she sought only to bless. When she was hurt, she knew when it was wise to remain silent. She refused to say anything against the very ones who sought to vilify her. She put it in God’s hands and chose to forgive.
I began to take mental notes of the times she worked behind the scenes tirelessly and refused to take any credit. She does not want anyone to know that she is the one who donates large sums of money and countless hours of extremely hard work to make our children’s ministry top-notch. What impresses me about this is that when no one else will help, she continues to clean the church, scrub the toilets, decorate, build, paint, cook, bake, teach the children, or whatever else needs to be done, and she never complains about it. She does it all with joy and won’t say anything against anyone.
I have watched her donate food, clothes, money, to those who need it, even when she had a need herself. That doesn’t stop her from giving.
She genuinely loves the children and gets so excited to give them the very best possible. For a small church, we have an amazing VBS program and children’s ministry because of her. When I had looked down my nose because she missed a choir practice, I should have cut her some slack and put it all into perspective. Isn’t that what I would want someone to do for me?
Let me say that I have also found her to be a true friend. For two people who had a hard time communicating at one time, we have a great time together now. We laugh and share and enjoy working together.
I encourage you to take a look around you. Is there someone whom you may need to cut some slack? To dismiss those pre-conceived assumptions and discover the real person? Let us look beyond the mere surface and consider the heart.
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7 NIV
Let us look beyond isolated incidents to formulate our opinions, and make it a practice instead of assuming the best about others. As we would want others to do for us, let us give them the benefit of doubt.
Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get. Matthew 7:12 The Message
Lastly, before we presume to judge someone else, as if we know the intentions of their hearts or their relationship with God, let us, rather, extend grace as Christ has done for us. Let us remove the beam from our own eye before we attempt to pick out the speck from our neighbor’s eye.
And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. Luke 6:41-42 NLT
My friend, let us learn to look at others with eyes of love and grace, just as Christ sees us. May you all know how very much you are loved and cherished today, and may we learn to express that love to others. After all, we are all part of the same body, the body of Christ!
God bless!
