What If You’re Disappointed with Your Marriage?

This is our daughter and her husband on their wedding day on the beach of Sandals resort in the Bahamas.

Are you feeling disappointed with your marriage? Have things just not turned out as you had hoped? Have your dreams of Prince Charming sweeping you off of your feet turned into Al Bundy with smelly feet? 

With the plethora of marriage books and blogs available portraying ideals in marriage, romantic bridal magazines, movies, TV shows, fairy tales, and romance novels, many women feel let down when reality falls short. “Other people look so happy; so why not me?” some have questioned. They often enter marriage with starry-eyed expectations, but become disillusioned when real life hits them between the eyes. “What happened to the man I married?” some may ask when they wake up in the morning next to a stranger who was once the m an of their dreams.

Know and understand this: The broken heart of an unfulfilled wife is very dear to God’s heart, and healing and restoration are His specialties!

Psalms 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Perhaps you are one of the rare ones who are living the happily-ever-after, and you want to learn principles for protecting what you have rather than allowing your marriage to fall into the trap of the masses who have accepted the lie that all marriages eventually grow stale.  Now is the time to develop good habits that will help you prevent the pitfalls of so many others. The information here will certainly be applicable to you too.

Regardless of your current marital state, I commend you for striving for a Godly marriage. Marital bliss (but not perfection) really can be a reality!  That is what God truly wants for us.  I can truthfully say that I am one of the ones who are living the dream, but not before enduring many years of misery and learning some tough lessons about marriage.  I personally know what it is like to have my heart ripped to shreds, to fight with all my might to save my marriage, to fail, to be fully restored and healed, and to finally allow God to write my love story.  I am learning how to be a Godly wife and enjoying a richly blessed marriage now. Here are some things I have learned.  (If you are in a severe situation, skip down to #12 first, and then read #’s 1-11.)

1. Only God can fulfill your deepest longings. 
Don’t expect your husband to be your everything.  God is the only one qualified to fill that void.  He has designed each of us with longings that only He can fill so that we would seek Him. Strive for intimacy with the Father first. ( Psalms 63:1-8).  

Any time we look to a human to fill that need, we will always be left wanting more.  When we put that demand on our husbands, we are expecting them to fill a role that they are not designed to fill, and we cause frustration for them and for ourselves.  When we are then left feeling empty and unfulfilled, it is easy to put the blame on our husbands and build up resentment because they are not meeting our needs.

On the other hand, when we look to Christ who is our only source for satisfaction, we will be completely fulfilled as women and therefore more satisfied with our husbands.  As we grow in intimacy with God, our hearts will be in the right place to enjoy intimacy with our husbands.

Above all, bathe your marriage in prayer.  The best gift you can give your husband is to pray for him and for your marriage.  Pray for his wife too!  God will certainly honor the earnest prayers of a loving wife.

2. Work on yourself before you try to “fix” your husband.
Take initiative in making change in your marriage.  Even if you did marry a bear who needs a major life makeover, you will gain more ground by concentrating on becoming a godly spouse yourself first than by putting all the responsibility for change on your husband.  I will address handling serious issues at the end, but in most cases, our energies are better spent in learning all that we can about being the kind of wife that is pleasing to God and to our husbands, then we will be able to win them over with our sweetness.

Give yourself a quick evaluation.  How is your speech?  Your disposition?  Are you kind and considerate?  Do you show your husband respect and demonstrate Biblical submission?  How much effort do you put into being attractive to him?  Are you a joy to be around?  Do you appreciate your husband and try to understand his needs?  Rate the evidence of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in your life, especially as it pertains to your relationship with your husband. 

This is in no way intended to be a tool for self-condemnation; it is to inspire us to raise the bar and strive to glorify God as wives.  As we grow in these areas, our perspective will change immensely.

I do not want to imply that all the responsibility lies on the wife’s shoulders.  We do have the right to expect fair and loving treatment from our husbands, and some issues do need to be addressed.  However, when we begin with ourselves, we will be well on the road to healing and renewal in our marriages.

3. Adjust your expectations.
In my observation, the reason for any disappointment in life is when reality does not meet our expectations.  If this is the case, we essentially have only two options:  Change what is disappointing us, or adjust our expectations.  It is that simple. 

Often, we wear ourselves out and set ourselves up for frustration when we fixate on our husband’s deficits as well as our own needs that are not being met.  What we need to do is look at our marriage from a fresh perspective and make our expectations more reasonable.  Perhaps we are expecting too much and bringing disappointment upon ourselves rather than accepting and appreciating the best our husbands have to give.  The famous serenity prayer really fits with this principle:

4. Make room for grace and mercy.
I have heard grace described as “cutting someone some slack.”  The discontented wife, on the other hand, nitpicks and criticizes nearly everything her husband does.  It seems that he cannot please her no matter how hard he tries; so her quits trying.  

I am not saying that a wife should not speak up when necessary, but we need to learn to let some things go and speak with grace when we do have to address issues.  Let us give our husbands some room to be human.  Let him make a mistake once in awhile without fearing our furry.  Remember, you fell in love with him “warts and all,” so give his warts some breathing room!

I really like this quote from Victoria Osteen concerning building strong relationships: 

Now that sounds like grace and mercy to me!  Let us learn to accept our husbands the way they are and appreciate what they do right.  Let us be gracious and merciful when they make mistakes. Let us cut them some slack!

5. Communicate clearly. 
Our husbands are not mind readers.  They so intensely want to please us but get discouraged when they feel like they miss the mark.  We must kindly and lovingly ask for what we need without communicating to him that he is a dweeb that never gets it right.  Speak frankly and clearly, but be careful that it does not come across as demanding, demeaning, nagging, argumentative, resentful, or whiny.

I have learned as a teacher in parent/teacher conferences that the most effective way to communicate a need or a constructive criticism is to sandwich it between words of affirmation.  Start by telling him something that he does well and that you appreciate before you express your concern.  Then be sure to end with something positive.  It is received in a much better spirit and is less likely to put him on the defensive. 

Here is the formula: Affirmation/Praise – Need/Concern – Affirmation/Praise

6. Build your husband up with words of affirmation.

7. Learn your husband’s most important needs and love languages.
Rather than being consumed solely with what we need, let us discover how to most effectively communicate love to our husbands and meet their deepest needs.  It is time to toss out one of the biggest marriage killers of all time, and that is selfishness.

If we are knocking ourselves out trying to love them in ways that do not meet their emotional needs or make them feel loved, we are wasting our energy.  If they do not seem to appreciate our efforts, the reason could very well be that we are not speaking their love language.  For example, if your husband craves touch, but you are concentrating on acts of service, he may miss your intentions.  If you bombard him with talk when he really needs sexual fulfillment, it will be a challenge for him to connect with you.

I want to recommend two books that have revolutionized my understanding of how to meet my husband’s needs.  As a matter of fact, if I were a marriage counselor, these are two books I would require couples to read before getting married.

The first is His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
This will help you understand the five deepest needs of your husband, as well as yourself, and how to fulfill those needs. This is very eye-opening and can transform your marriage! 


The second is  The five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.
This will open your eyes to how you and your husband receive love, such as touch, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, or quality time. You will learn to speak each other’s languages in a way the other will understand and receive.

8. Make your marriage high priority.
We must be careful not to make the common mistake of being too busy for the most important relationship we will ever have on this earth.  It is understandable since life can be so demanding with work schedules, housework, children, bills, church, and all the other things that often take the forefront of our minds.  We must be intentional about nurturing our marriages or the natural gravitation will be toward apathy and pulling apart. 

Let us draw close to and share life fully with our life partners.  Let us strive to be one in every way as God intended. 


9. Be very affectionate.
I recommend considering your husband’s personality here since we want to make the right impression with our affection.  Learn how to flirt, touch, play, and talk in a way that touches your husband’s heart, and do it often.  Is he the hold hands type or the foot massage kind?  Does he like racy texts during the day or does he find that annoying?  Often a simple kiss on the cheek, a touch on the arm, or even a wink can warm his heart.  The point is to give him attention and express your love for him as often as possible.  And, don’t forget to kiss him passionately like you did when you were dating.  Never lose the kiss!

My mother is the supreme example.  She always touches my father in some way every time she walks by him.  She still speaks very sweetly to him and kisses him often, and they have been married for 54 years!  They are more in love now than they were in the 1950’s! Affection is her special ingredient for building a loving and lasting marriage.


10. Make love every chance you get!

I have made a promise to myself that my husband will never be unfulfilled sexually by my choice.  I will never turn him down without a very good reason.  I am the only person in the entire world who has the right or the opportunity to satisfy his sexual needs, and I am going to be sure to do that.  Why not make him the happiest man on the planet?  I am honored to minister to him in such a way, and that is the attitude with which I approach him.

Women typically need to feel close in order to respond sexually, but men usually need sex in order to feel close.  Isn’t it ironic that God would make men and women in such a way?  I do agree that as part of communicating our needs, we need to help our husbands understand that formula. Let him know that you need communication and affection to be more responsive.  However, at the same time, we can powerfully set the cycle in motion by taking initiative or at least actively responding to him sexually. 

Some more books I recommend to help you with sexual questions or problems are:

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, by Sheila Wray Gregorie, from To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Red Hot Monogamy, by Bill and Pam Farrel. Learn to make your marriage sizzle. It really is OK! That is what God has intended for your marriage.

Intimate Issues – Conversations Woman to Woman – 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. They cover nearly every question or concern you may have about sex. It is an awesome resource!

11. Forgive.
Let’s face it; our husbands have let us down a time or two, and they will do it again.  We have already discussed showing grace and mercy, but forgiveness is chief in marital healing.  We can choose not to be overly sensitive and take offense so easily, and we can choose to forgive and be set free. 

You may be thinking, “How can I forgive him for what he has done?”  Understand that forgiving does not mean that you are saying that everything he has done is all right or even that he has permission to do it again. It does not mean that you have no right to set boundaries or to protect yourself from future occurrences.  It is simply saying that you are letting it go and moving on, that you are not going to let the poison of bitterness take root in your heart any longer.  You will not hold it against him, but you are leaving it in God’s hands, trusting that He will take care of it in His perfect way.  You are allowing yourself to have peace in your relationship and in your heart.

12. Set boundaries.
Everything listed above works for marriages that are somewhat healthy but may just need a kick in the pants to get back on track.  However, some marriages are beyond the simple remedies.  You may have more severe problems, and your marriage may need to be on life support.

For more serious issues, such as adultery, pornography, immoral or criminal behavior, substance abuse, habitual lying, mistreatment and abuse, unwillingness to work or provide for the family, desertion, or neglect, you must set boundaries with consequences. You do not have to accept or tolerate such behavior. You are not a door mat, and you do not have to be overpowered by a bully.  Submission does not make you helpless or vulnerable to evil.  You are a daughter of the King and you are strong and wise enough to stand up to immorality and abuse.  You can overcome this through Christ who gives you strength! 

In my first marriage, my husband was in over his head with several issues named above, and I kept trying to be merciful.  Of course, he was perpetually apologetic, and I continually forgave and offered him another chance.  However, I did not realize that I was actually enabling this bad behavior by not standing up to him and insisting that such was not acceptable in our marriage.  I tolerated junk, and that it what I got.  As a wife, I had the right and the responsibility to expect to be treated well and for him to be faithful. 

Unfortunately, I did not nip it in the bud. I waited until it was too late to seek help. Because I did not take strong enough measures early on, the situation only grew worse.  Eventually, I had no choice but to seek a divorce. Now, before anyone’s judgmental horns get in a twist, I had Biblical grounds for the divorce, and it was only as a last resort after everything else did not work.  I also sought Godly counsel and proceeded only with their blessing. I do not need to go into any more detail than that.  I will save it for another time.  However, I only shared what I did to help anyone else out there in bondage to a dysfunctional marriage so they can possibly save it before it ends up like mine did.

I urge you, if you are in such a situation, get help immediately.  Find a wise and Godly counselor.  Take every step possible before taking extreme measures.  Do not just wait for God to change him without any effort on yours or his part. God can certainly change anyone, but not against their free will.  Some unfaithful men will never change without a good dose of reality, or maybe not at all. Set firm boundaries in your marriage, and do not allow evil to enter your home.  Be prepared to establish consequences if needed. Insist on a positive and Godly marriage.  You really can have it!

One more book recommendation for anyone in a serious situation is 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages, by Karla Downing.  This book is wonderful!  It is Biblical and empowering.  The priority is in saving and restoring marriage, but it also clears up many misconceptions people have about Biblical alternatives.  It will help you learn how to set boundaries, things you can do to establish consequences, and how to get help.

If you have a broken heart and feel unfulfilled in your marriage, think about this.  Just as God saw Hagar (Genesis 16) in the desert and had compassion on her, He is also the God who sees and understands you.  He knows exactly how you feel and what you are going through.  Hagar named Him the “God Who Sees.”  Isn’t that precious?  He really sees you!  You are not alone or misunderstood, or hidden from His radar.  Jesus Himself said that He was sent to “bind up the brokenhearted.” (Isaiah 61:1)  He is ready to bandage your wounds and heal your heart. 

You do not have to settle for a disappointing marriage.  You can take steps today to heal, be restored, and to grow your marriage into one of God’s perfect design.  It is His will for us to have joy and to live life to the fullest.  Do not allow the enemy to rob you of this blessing!  Change may be difficult, but far worse is regret!

In another post sometime, I will share with you how God rewrote my love story and restored everything that had been stolen from me.  I now have a Godly husband and a very blessed marriage.  God has restored the years the locusts have eaten!

May your marriage thrive, and may God bless you abundantly!